Dear Users of Public Transport

Tubes don't make a woo I thought I'd add one.

In what universe is it ok to stand on a stranger? You know what I mean. Rush hour, your face is actually touching face, all crammed on the tube or the bus. I’m literally giving the guy stood behind me a lap-dance on the way to work. Back up…if you can wait for the next one…do…life isn’t all about rushing you know.

And you are lucky I’m as tall as I am to be honest, I feel awful for those who are under 5’11 and have to have their faces level with your armpits. Trust me, we’d all appreciate you slapping a bit more deodorant on, and brushing your teeth for that matter.

To all you gum stickers and spitters…stop it. It’s not nice to get it on your shoe or sit on a seat and then realise that when you get home in 9 hours you are going to have to put your skirt in the freezer, so another 12 hours later you can pick off a germ-ridden piece of E-number mixed with some cretins saliva and put it in the bin. (That does work ladies and gents…gum in the freezer overnight will just flick off!) Just whack it in the nearest bin…it’s not hard.

To those who play music on their phones OUT LOUD on public transport or just walking down the road. No……………….just no. If you do it and you are next to me, I’ll crack out the I-Pod speakers and drown you out with some Vivaldi or Beethoven. Nobody wants to listen to your idea of a ‘crackin’ choooooon’, put your headphones in and if you must…share one earphone with your mate. Sharing…but caring.

To those who curse and blind…mind your tongue. Nobody…and I mean NOBODY who can afford to get on public transport, is heading to work and is in good health, has any need to be THAT aggressive and say ‘that dreaded C word’ at 8.30am on a packed tube, 2 feet away from an old lady. It’s not right….or needed. 2.30am in front of your mates perhaps…but she’s someones Gran….have some respect.

If you’re running late, relax. Believe me, the tube is not going to run any faster just for you, in fact it’ll probably break down between stations just to piss you off.

Be polite, everybody is in the same boat as you. Squished, tired, hot, wanting to get wherever they are going. An ‘Excuse Me’ or a ‘Thanks’ will get you everywhere.

And finally, Smile. Life is too short to have a face on.


4 responses to “Dear Users of Public Transport

  1. have you seen micheal mcintyre’s sketch on tubes? i saw him do it live and nearly died of laughter! you must see it.

  2. I’ll youtube it ASAP!

  3. Couldn’t find it 😦

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