Last Wednesday I got what I wished for.
You might have heard me banging on about our new house and getting our keys on Twitter/Facebook/streets around my town…let’s just say I have QUITE vocal about my excitement.
I know a lot of first time buyers are excited about their first home, but for me, putting that key in the lock for the first time, was a nod of achievement and a reminder that what I have sacrificed was worth pushing by the wayside.
Some of you may not know that I trained as an actor. And I loved it. I loved performing and the thrill of creating something for others to enjoy. I fell in love with acting when my Grandmother took me to see a musical stage version of Beauty & The Beast when I was 9. I was sat mouth agape for the entire 2 and a half hour show. I wanted to make people feel how I felt at that moment, so I told me parents, with much cajoling, that I wanted to be an actor. I attended Saturday stage school, did a Performing Arts GCSE, followed by a BTEC National Diploma at A Level and finally a Degree in Acting for Television, Theatre and Film. All my educational life was centred toward my commitment to wanting to perform.
I left university and began the working actor’s life. The “struggle for a well paid job so you can pay your rent in London, whilst scouring the city for acting work” life. Really not as glamourous as you might imagine…but I knew what I signed myself up for. I did a few things that I really enjoyed, but finally I realised that I whilst I adored performing, that an actor’s life really wasn’t for me.
I didn’t actually realise how much I missed performing until last month, when P and I went to see his second musical ever. I suddenly had the feeling I was on the wrong side of the curtain. I began doubting myself…should I have stopped doing something that had truly given me so much joy?
Then last week, we got our keys.
I had known when I was acting that I would never be able to own my home as a jobbing actor. You are too risky for mortgage lenders and you never really have a steady income. And I needed that. I needed that security and that stable life. I realised during my second year of being a jobbing actor in London that the insecurity made me unhappy. I also knew that I would never be able to fully commit to a relationship with a non-actor (because if you haven’t lived it….you don’t really understand that the work HAS to come first) and I honestly had to reach outside what I knew… for my own sanity.
So, one night, in floods of tears on my kitchen floor in an icy North London flat, I changed my stars. I wanted true friends, I wanted my own home, I wanted to get married and I wanted to feel happy again.
Not one for sitting about, I jumped in with both feet to change my life. I changed jobs, I met P, I left London without even looking back. I gave it all up for a dream that I always thought I wouldn’t get….I mean I’m not the kind of girl who people marry….
Now I am older, I can see that I always thought I would be able to have both. Yet when it cam to crunch time I wasn’t willing to give up my ‘life’ dream, so the ‘work’ one had to go. (Perhaps one day I will find time to make it a hobby.)
So now stood with keys to the home I own, with the man who wants to marry me….I can’t help but grin.
Miracles do happen…sometimes they just take a little while.
(Gawd….that was a bit deep and meaningful wasn’t it?! Regular programming to resume pretty darn soooon!)